Nine - ** out of ****

It gives me absolutely no pleasure to type the following two words; "Nine" sucks. The biggest flop of the year ($20 million domestic, $32 million international on an $80 million budget) didn't deserve said status, but one would expect much more from the writers of "The English Patient" and "The Player" (individual writers for each film) and the director behind the brilliant "Chicago."

The film follows an Italian director named Guido Contini (Daniel Day-Lewis) who is making a new movie about Italy but has no ideas whatsoever, but he knows it will star famous actress Claudia (Nicole Kidman). He cheats on his wife (Marion Cotillard) with his mistress (Penelope Cruz, Oscar-nominated for this). He is sexually tempted by a writer for Vogue Magazine (Kate Hudson), and in the meanwhile, memories of his past with his (now) deceased mother (Sophia Loren) and a hussy (Stacy Ferguson) who taught him to 'Be Italian.' In the current day, he receives advice and cigarettes from his costume designer (Judi Dench) pertaining to...well, I'm not really sure what. The film, his marriage, his style...take your pick, but the advice never goes anywhere.

As a matter of fact, that was the movie's big, dominating flaw; it never goes anywhere. The musical numbers, although well performed (excellent choreography by John DeLuca), seem to just be distractions, almost sideplots that don't fuel the story or add much of anything to the film. It's like reading a recipe while your best friend loudly crunches potato chips.

The cast and crew were a godsend for a movie. Academy Award winners Daniel Day-Lewis, Nicole Kidman, Marion Cotillard, Judi Dench, Penelope Cruz, Sophia Loren, writer Anthony Minghella, director Rob Marshall, Art Decorator John Myhre, Set Decorator Gordon Sim, and Costume Designer Coleen Atwood combine with Oscar nominees Kate Hudson and songwriter Maury Yeston (nominated here for 'Take it All'), but even this golden cast and crew can't save a musical with no story. They're throwing everything they have at us, but energy is no good without something in which to fuel the energy into.

Nicole Kidman's part was originally to be played by Catherine Zeta-Jones, but Jones wished for the part to be expanded, it was refused, and she left the project. Kate Hudson once again plays a two-dimensional character, but this time it's only a supporting role rather than a leading role. Penelope Cruz is unbelievably sexy in her numbers, but my Oscar-nomination would have gone to Marion Cotillard, displaying a range of emotion that comes to a scream in the excellent number, 'Take it All.' Stacy Ferguson lights up the screen in the best number, 'Be Italian.' The rest of the cast does about as well as it could be expected.

The movie, as aforementioned, flopped horribly, but I say that it didn't deserve that fate. Sure, a script with no focus, a good number that belongs in another movie ("Cinema Italiano" feels like a Madonna song forced into another context), and a final result that feels twice as long as it actually is doesn't deserve blockbuster status, but let's be honest here: With all the talent present in the film, surely the heads had a coherent story in place. What I saw upon finishing the film was a musical version of the idea behind "Adaptaion." that had 1/8 of its wit. I spent most of the movie wondering why I was so bored.

Rated PG-13 for sexual content and smoking.
Buy it here.